12.25.2011

Not Now

On November 5th Rob and I found out we were pregnant! It was planned, so we were very excited.

At week 10 I went in for my first prenatal appointment. They did all the usual things, checked my weight, took my blood pressure, took a urine sample, and asked me a long list of questions. At the end my doctor checked the baby's heart beat. She spent quite a while looking for it, which I remember it taking a long time to find Molly's heartbeat at my first check-up with her and I was past 12 weeks then. So when she wasn't able to hear the heartbeat I wasn't too worried. She wasn't too worried either and said it wasn't unusual for her not to hear it then. She did ask that I scheduled an early ultrasound, which did concern me a bit.

So I scheduled the ultrasound for my next visit and decided that if I was going to need an early ultrasound I wasn't going to tell people I was pregnant until after... just to be sure everything was alright.

On Wednesday, the 21st of Dec (11 1/2 weeks), I noticed I was spotting just a bit. I thought that was unusual for me since I never spotted with Molly and never in between a monthly cycle. Still I wasn't too concerned since I'd read it's totally normal for pregnant people to spot in their first trimester. So I decided to just call and let my doctor know.

The assistants at my doctor's office reassured me several times that spotting was completely normal, but that I should stop by that day and they'd just check the heartbeat. So at noon I headed down to Provo for a little check up. The first assistance tried for several minutes to find a heartbeat and couldn't so she had another assistant try. When she had no luck either they decided to send me to the hospital for an ultrasound.

I walked around the mall with Molly for a couple hours while I waited for my appointment at the hospital and drank the 32 oz of water I was instructed to an hour before. As I headed for the hospital, I was excited to see our little baby on an ultrasound and hoped they give me pictures to take home. I checked in and was called back.

The technician began doing a normal ultrasound, but about a minute into the ultrasound she said she needed a better look. She had me empty my bladder, which I was glad since I was about to burst from drinking all that water, and did a vaginal ultrasound. The technician was very quiet. I couldn't tell if that was just her personality or if she'd found something wrong. I really wanted to ask her about what she was seeing, but stopped myself several times, mostly because she was so quiet. When she finished she said she was going to call my doctor and my doctor would talk to me.

Once the doctor was on the phone she told me that the baby had stopped growing and I was going to have a MISCARRIAGE in the next few days. I was shocked! I really hadn't had many concerns until the day before. I was having all the pregnancy symptoms and even threw up right before I left the house that day. I was extremely sad to get the news and by the end of the call I was in tears.

The doctor wanted to send me over to the lab to get some blood work done before I left. As I left radiology and asked how to get to the lab, I was surprised at how unfriendly the staff was to me. Obviously I had been crying and each person I talked to was cold and unfriendly. I felt terrible. I then had to wait in the lobby with Molly for over an hour before they took me back to the lab. And even when I got back to the lab I waited another 30 minutes before I could have a tiny vile of blood drawn. It was hard having received such sad news to wait for so long by myself taking care of Molly.

We'd planned on spending time with my family over Christmas, but knowing I would have a miscarriage at anytime we decided it would be better for us to stay home so I could be somewhat comfortable. On Christmas Eve around 4 pm I started cramping. It just so happened that I'd planned to eat dinner at 5:30 so I was trying to prepare the food when I started to get uncomfortable. I was grateful for the distraction though, since the pain of cramping just kept getting more and more intense. I even remember thinking, "Okay, I want and epidural now." The pain was that intense. About 5 pm the miscarriage started. It was awful. I passed quite a bit of blood and tissue and spent most of the night in the bathroom, which I was okay with since I just wanted the whole experience to be over with. I did get to eat our Christmas Eve dinner of ham, cheesy potatos, hot rolls and pistachio salad, but only in short bouts.

At 11 pm we decided to head to bed. I went to the kitchen to do a couple of things and remember I felt a little weird, like I might faint, so I started to go down to my knees. The next thing I remember was Rob trying to pull me up off the floor. I looked at him... he looked terrified... and I kept asking him, "What's going on?" over and over again until he told me I'd fainted, hit my head on the floor, and convulsed a bit. He helped me to the bed and that was our night. I had a hard time falling asleep since the fainting episode scared me and I wondered if I'd lost too much blood. I eventually fell  asleep and I'm feeling a lot better today!

Emotionally we're very sad to loose our baby, but we know it was the Lord's will. We can accept that. I felt like having another child was a righteous desire of ours and remember telling my sister that if it wasn't right then we'd have a miscarriage.  Although we wanted another child, Heavenly Father had other plans for us. We even feel like in hindsight there are several reasons why the timing might not have been right for us.  So we'll trust in the Lord now and know that someday we'll have another baby, just not a baby that would be born on July 8th 2012.

11 comments:

  1. Oh Heather! I am so sorry for your loss. Wade and I had a miscarriage while we lived in Utah. (Before Ike was born.) It was so hard. So much harder than I imagined it would be. My heart breaks for you both and hope you feel comfort and peace soon.
    OXOX

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  2. I'm so sorry Heather. That's such a heartbreaking thing to go through... and during this time of year. You have such a good attitude and so much faith. I didn't have much of either and that made healing difficult.

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  3. I am very sorry Heather! Our thoughts and prayers are with your family at this time. This is heartbreaking news.

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  4. Heather I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know you and Rob will get through this as difficult as it is right now. Let me know if you ever want to talk! In the meantime hold that cute girl of yours tight. Those kids know how to heal broken hearts sometimes :)

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  5. sooooo sorry to hear that Heather & Rob- especially how unfriendly the staff was thru all that- thats crazy!!! We will miss seeing you both this year:( Hope you have an enjoyable New Years!!

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  6. Rob and Heather I am so sorry to hear this news! I hope that you find peace through this! Hang in there!

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  7. Sorry to hear you had to go through that. It is a terrible experience and I can say that first hand. Hang in there. Some days will be hard but they get easier with every passing day! I am thinking about you!

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  8. Heather, I think you are a really brave person for sharing such a personal experience with us. I'm saddened to hear about your loss and you are in my thought and prayers!

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  9. I am saddened and sorry for your loss. I hope that you will find peace with all that has happened and that you will be comforted. I want to tell you that you are so brave Heather, and your faith is absolutely amazing!

    I was reading the Ensign last night and read a quote by Pres. George Albert Smith, he stated, “When we realize that death is only one of the steps that the children of God shall take throughout eternity, and that it is according to His plan, it robs death of its sting and brings us face to face with the reality of eternal life. Many families have been called upon to say good-bye temporarily to those they love. When such passings occur, they disturb us, if we will let them, and thus bring great sorrow into our lives. But if our spiritual eyes could be opened and we could see, we would be comforted, I am sure, with what our vision would behold. The Lord has not left us without hope. On the contrary He has given us every assurance of eternal happiness, if we will accept His advice and counsel while here in mortality."

    As you know, we are born into this earthly life to first, gain a physical body and second to experience trials and it is our choices, good and bad, that put us into our respective eternal kingdoms upon death. That is The Plan. If I may say, it is beautiful to think and know that the child, your child, which for a time grew inside of you, that you loved and cherished, did indeed gain his or her body, but was far too perfect to continue to progress in this mortal life. Together the two of you shared a trial and now it is the purely divine and perfect love offered by Heavenly Father and the companionship of the Holy Ghost with whom will help all things to heal.

    One day you and your child will meet and together, with Rob and Molly and other children both you and Rob are blessed with, will be a family, united for all time.

    Love and peace to your hearts.

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  10. I'm so sorry Heather. What an awful experience after such heartbreaking news. I know how hard it can be to loose a pregnancy. And you're so brave for talking about it so openly. I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better about the situation, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and it'll get better. Know that it's ok to be sad or upset, you don't always have to put on a brave face. Allow yourself to grieve. I know it's hard to imagine, but the emotional pain will dull in time. Enjoy your family and surround yourself with people who love you.

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  11. This makes me so sad. But you're strong! I love you!

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